a word of caution... this poem contains mental imagery that may be disturbing to some. I am publishing it as part of a series to raise awareness and help inspire all that there is better out there. Also to avoid offending any one i want to clarify that as use in this poem demon means: "a source or agent of harm, distress, or ruin, something that causes a person to have a lot of trouble or unhappiness"
The Demon Within
A demon lies within me... it lurks beneath the surface... itching all day... forced to stay hidden behind a smile... for people must not see this demon... they cant know I'm not alright... but when darkness comes and for the night I retire... this demon comes in full might. What is its name? It has many... it comes in different looks and styles... rarely the same. take your pick.... is it doubt? Thoughts of self harm or worse? Depression? Anger? Guilt? Shame? Sorrow? Grief? An overwhelming sadness? Is it pain? Suffering? Self denial?
Does it come through the mind, Spreading to the rest of the body its evil poison? Does it bubble forth from the heart, running over through my blood? Does it come as a temptation.... pills, blades... a high up place, A busy road, a gun and ammo... enticing me with its appeal of escape?
Take your pick for it is all of the above... a combination at times... always changing.... always with the same goal.... always at night.
This demon has many faces, many names, many outfits so to say... or means of transportation. It is rarely recognized... for it is cleverly disguised. This demon in fact is disguised as me... unbeknownst to the world... for by the light of day it hides behind a smile... the perfect hiding place.. in plain sight of all.
But when comes the late hours and lonely times of solitude... this demon comes out of hiding, It throws away that smile. Out comes its true colors... stored so long during the day. I wail, I moan, I sob, ... I punch, I bite, I claw, ... I slice, I write, .... I pop it, swallow em, gulp em, ... I feel the cold hard metal... such a tiny little thing, ..... I dream, I think, I see the bright lights calling me closer, ... I stand at the edge, I tempt fate again and again.
But this demon he is cruel... and i can not overpower it with my will. it will not let me escape. For escape would mean relief... and relief would be freedom, freedom is a gift. So mercilessly I am forced to exist... to endure, a never ending game, full of misery.
So I am forced to help, forced to provide this demon shelter. I cannot kick him out... I cannot cry for help. For that would mean I'm weak... that would make me different. And why is that a bad thing may you ask? For that is the demons disguise. That is his way to return, an open invitation, the door left unlocked.
All those glares bring back the shame.the dirty looks the guilt. The names that they call you make you sad again. Then alienated once again... now your labeled as a freak. Depression moves back in... the cycle it repeats. Floods from your mind overflows from your heart... the same old tools of the trade... common in any house... the demon is all moved in and you are hostage again.
The smile hides his existence... people think you are getting better. Slowly your act is stronger and you become accepted. But soon its all to much... your act crumbles and it fails. The demon again revealed... with that cry for help... and so begins another cycle I think you got it now.
Does it ever end... I wish that I knew how... for it can only end one way... the cycle, it must break! ... and with that break in the cycle there is left a gap... that gap is escape... the exit... the door... the way out. That gap has a name... it is death ... it is freedom... it is releif.... it is a gift... the end of a curse and the life cycle of a demon... one that was full of evil, pain, and misery.
The demon was a master of disguise for no one really caught it. It is the end of a life... the end of a demon... whether the end is accidental... or an act of desperation... I guess I cant say now... for that end has not come. Watch closely for this demon...for before it is gone you may yet see him... for this demons reign has not yet ended, though someday it shall... that day I do not know... soon... later... only cruel fate can tell. But that day when it comes is a day to be celebrated.... for on that day a demon will die, that day shall be the death of me.
i want to thank you for reading this, as mentioned earlier it is part of a series and while I'm still working on it this is just part one and others will come with a more positive and encouraging message to share.
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